Her throat extended as her head was thrown back, arching into the line of her breasts. The feeling was right, but I realized what the problem was as I looked at it. I was drawing shadows against a white background. I needed to draw the light. The sudden burst of imagery that I saw behind my eyes as we exploded together.On a large sheet of Bristol, I laid in a full-sheet background with the flat of a 4B soft-graphite block until the entire page was covered. Then I pulled out an artgum eraser and a tortillon and began erasing the parts where the highlights would burst out of the shadow. As I saw the shape emerge from the shadows, my heart began to race and adrenalin pumped into my veins.I prepared a canvas, changing from my initial perception of a horizontal image to a square image. As I worked, I absently chewed on a sandwich and drank coffee without bothering to wonder how they had materialized in my studio. My mind was filled with the image and I could do nothing but focus on my. Ican't say how much I knew I was a girl, because again, there was nocontext. But, I had a lot of rage that I didn't know how to deal with. I did get some girl's clothes from various sources, and did feelcomfortable wearing them for reasons I didn't understand. I've onlystarted to really understand some of that by exploring it with acounselor I really trust for the first time ever recently.What really started a downward spiral was getting caught. I didn't getcaught dressed, but my stash was found. I remember my parents being soupset at what they couldn't understand either, but I already thought Iwas a freak, so I wasn't going to help. They sent me to a psychologist,but it didn't help, because I didn't trust him either. Besides, itdidn't take me long to find an alternate. The drinking age in my homestate at that time was 18, and I looked that at late 16. It was apretty easy escape, and I managed to cover it over long enough tograduate high school. But then, I realized just.
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