Inside she told me were fantastic stories about God and his son. I pictured them as Pa and Sam. She remembered some of the stories and would tell them to me as I worked and as my belly got bigger. One night Pa came late. He was drunk and beat me terribly that night. He said I had been with a boy down the road. I had never met the boy, just Pa and Sam. After I lost the twins and buried them up on the hill by the big tree. I imagined it was a church and I sang, ‘ I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free…’ for the first time myself. I imagined the twins with wings rising up from their little graves and flying up to join Ma in heaven. A couple of days later Grandma died and I buried her myself up on the hill too. I imagined her with my twins and Ma in heaven. I sang all the songs I could remember. Sang all the time I was digging, crying and dragging her body up the hill. I sang the whole time while I cleaned the house and I sang as I cleaned the shotgun I found in the attic. I. The sensation was delightful! My baby was sucking my breast even though she wasn't receiving any milk...but I imagined she was, and my nipples got very erect and tender. It was equivalent to a pacifier for her, I assumed. It certainly relaxed the infant for she soon went to sleep while still latched, and I experienced an overwhelming arousal unlike anything before. It wasn't anything sexual, but seemed like something more maternal, if such a thing is possible for a male. Subsequently, after every feeding, I continued to let her suckle each alternate nipple until she fell asleep. Actually, I looked forward to this activity. Of course, I mentioned nothing of this to Terry since I didn't know how she'd react to what I was doing. But I felt that it was psychologically good for the baby to be held and allowed the physical contact of a human in such a manner, so what could be bad? I kept myself clean and sweet smelling, and I was hairless anyway so to her, I was her mother.In.
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