I'd told Josh that what he did frightened me because he could make me do something I wouldn't otherwise do. My fear was real and compelling at the time, but in retrospect, and after a lot of self-analysis, I'd used my fear as an excuse to cancel my trip home. I'd told Josh the truth. I had changed. After leaving home, I came into my own. I became an adult, a woman, and Josh hadn't left the nest, he'd remained a teenager living at home, and I... well, I did something I promised him I wouldn't do. I left him behind. I felt guilty about it, but I reasoned that's the way it was.Also, during our telephone conversations, Josh and I spent ninety percent of our time talking about him and his love life and how he should handle it, and I started to feel more like a big sister dispensing advice than a lover. He'd found a replacement for me, a sexy girl his own age. He was in love with her, and she loved him, so I convinced myself it was time for me to make the break with Josh that was inevitable. ??????????? I dreamt of being chained below her,to have her shower me with her golden wine, to be permitted to lap it from herfinger tips.??????????? A flash of horror and fascination,seeing her whipped again during my training, watching the beauty of her pain,and how she proudly bore it.??????????? A touch of envy for her lover, givensomething that I would be forever denied.??????????? Something that, if offered, I wouldbe forced by my own pride to refuse.??????????? I love you Mistress, I cried in mydreams.??????????? But my words like silent raindropsfell. She knew my desire for her. It need not be said openly.??????????? But in my mind that night, I saidall the things to her I could not say aloud.??????????? I confessed my desires for her onthe altar of my mind.??????????? "Michael, would you marryme?", she asked as we stood looking at the sunset.??????????? "Are you crazy?", I askedher aloud, while in my soul screaming YES! ??????????? She turned back to me and smiled inmy.
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