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She didn’t want to, but she had to run to keep from caving in. She’d fought for control of her facial muscles and she didn’t really mean to do it but she felt – and knew exactly how she’d looked at that instant. She’d smirked and walked out. It was one of the reasons that she’d hated herself ever since, because unlike her mother’s kind, she’d actually loved Chris so much that it hurt – and that was before all of this. She remembered how often she’d had to wipe tears from her eyes as she’d driven to a motel in another town and cried for three days. After that, she’d fucked any man who’d looked to her like his heart could stand her physical abuse of it and not die as she tried to make their balls implode. As if their semen could wash away any traces of his. As if the act of it might buy her some absolution for the guilt that she felt in ruining what they might have had. As if just any man’s seed could actually do that for her soul. As if. Later on, she’d had no trouble hunting one man. Everyone was happy when I said I'd come back soon, especiallyStacy who wanted more updates about my love life.We said our goodbyes and Stacy gave me a hug, telling me to text her anytime I needed to talk, and I watched as everyone went their separateways. I thought about my brief conversation with Stacy as I followedSteve down the block to the chicken place. As Adeline or Ms. Changmight say, a sample size of one isn't conclusive evidence, but I didn'tfeel like I was definitely 'male' or 'female'... or even if I'm 'Allen'or 'Ally'. I can't even keep the mechanics of this straight in my headanymore! In my mind at least, we're two different people who happen tobe occupying the same 'space' rather than competing identities vying forcontrol of the same body. I'm sure Ally would think the same way atleast.Of course, if 'Allen' wasn't a figment of 'my' imagination or living as'Ally' wasn't some a way for 'me' to live the life I had secretlywanted, that could mean that this is all.
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