That wasn't the view I wanted.And I was especially drawn to depictions of woman on man oral sex, tothe point of obsession. With no siblings and a working mom, the housewas always empty when I got home from school, and I'd slip on mymother's bra or her bikini top, smear on her lipstick and fellate themost phallic-like banana in the house.Then, when I was 15 my parents sat me down and told me something I neverknew, but maybe I had known all along. They told me I had a fraternaltwin sister, who was going to be named Danielle, who was stillborn.And it all clicked in my mind. I thought, this is why I have thesefeelings. Daniel wasn't supposed to live, it was supposed to be Dani.Or maybe Dani's soul transferred into my body when she died? Now I knew...Why I wanted to be able to pretend my penis wasn't there.Why my voice didn't change that much and is hardly deeper than myMother's was, and nothing like my Father's basso profundo.Why I stayed closer to my Mother's height. All the men on. Then again, it’ll be all people I don’t really know that well ... Brian wouldn’t give a shit, just call out a loud greeting as usual ... But then what... ?I paced around the entrance to our driveway for a time, feeling as if the entire world was uncertain. The ankle issue wasn’t a big deal, all told. Kids get hurt all the time ... Muireann’s just overreacting because it’s Tommy.I heard what at first sounded like a bird call. Then I realized it was Lara yelling from the bend in our driveway. In the fading light I could see her waving me back home. I started back up the slope, picking up my pace as I realized she didn’t have a coat on.“What’s up?” I called out as I neared.“Come back to the cabin,” she said.I could tell from her face that something had happened. “What’s wrong?”“Just come back,” she repeated, hurrying off.I caught up. “Something with Tommy? Is his ankle getting worse?”“No, he’s fine. It’s Muireann.”“What? Lara, come on, tell me!”“Don’t be too mad at her, all right?”Mad.
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