“But, I can’t trust that you won’t do to me, what you did to him.” “You left me hanging for years,” I say. “I’ve given you second chance after second chance, and you won’t give me this? You and I aren’t even dating, and I gave up on Nick a long time ago.” “I can’t,” Jonathan says. “I can’t lose you again. If I accept this and move on, I’m handing you everything you need to tear me apart.” “You’re going to have to trust that I won’t,” I say. “I trusted you for years not to tear me down with the things I’ve told you, trust goes both ways.” I sit on the bed next to him. “I’ve never felt so sure in my life,” I tell him. I reach my hand up to his cheek and pull his face towards mine. “I love you,” Jonathan whispers. “I love you too,” I say. “Nothing is ever going to change that, nothing ever has changed that.” I kiss him, softly at first, and then harder. I pull him to me, slipping my tongue into his mouth as it intertwines with his. I let out a sigh, and his hands run all over my. I drank some more gin. We had just stopped at Yonkers and a girl with a nice ass walked by; I watched her sway and flaunt around. Then Ashley asked me what I liked to do in the city. “Nothing really” I said, “Sit around, eat Shawarma, Ride the subway; I’d like to live in Brooklyn, but it costs too much.” She nodded, and looked forward. There was a pause. I drank more Gin; the little fire in my belly was a welcome assault on my being. I began to warm up to the show. It was just like a show in a back-water strip club, everything looks wrong and twisted; eventually you just adjust to the crookedness. I ask Ashley what she wants in life; I ask her why she is here. She looks at me and smiles, folds her hands on her lap and turns to Sharon. Ashley asks her what club we are going to. We are on the elevated tracks near 125th street. The city is so perfect when you look down on it; it’s like a small diorama of modern life. Life seems so wonderful when you aren’t in it. Like a c***d at.
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