Therefore, I am going to remove the object you have concealed in your pants."I walked over to him, a little unsteadily, then brusquely pulled out his waistband with one hand, reached in to grab the plastic packaging with the other, and pushed as I withdrew it. I didn't quite have the socks clear before the punk exploded all over the inside of his pants. He jerked like I'd sucker-punched him, but the recording would make it clear neither of us had done anything of the kind."Angela, can you escort this gentleman off the premises?" I needed to catch my breath."Certainly," she replied with crisp enthusiasm. "Further, as an attempted shoplifter" -- the bag looked like it might not be suitable for returning to inventory -- "you are no longer welcome in this establishment. Please do not return." She marched him out while he was still poking ineffectually at his pants."Lloyd, what the hell was that?" Angela asked when she returned a few minutes later.By then I was up to having a. "I hate the way my life always sucks and I wishthat I could of lived a happier life which was moreadventurous, exciting, and I was more popular. My currentlife sucks!"It was at this moment, dear reader, that lame fortunesmiled upon Jim, for it just happened that Jim stumblesacross a dirty, dusty, dingy magical Arabian lamp laying onthe sidewalk in the middle of his block, which had happenedto accidentally fall fortuitously off the back of an oldgarbage truck that had just driven by without thegarbagemen noticing (because it was magical and had cloudedtheir minds).Jim picked up the thaumaturgical beacon lying at the baseof his lowest extremities. His first initial thought wasthat this must be returned to the city lost and found, forJim was a trustworthy chap of elephantine ethics. Butbefore he could take this ensorcelled flare to its rightfulowners, Jim reflected soberly that his cheerful mind ofresponsibility required him to clean it. So Jim rubbed thenecromantic lantern on his clean.
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