But eventually it got so that my clitty wouldstiffen when I rubbed around it. I started to discover a gentledelicious tension that came with it. All that I still kept private,though.One night I answered some of my emails on camera. I admitted it wastime go outside. I said there was no one in my life. I said that I wasessentially a happy, inquisitive person. I admitted that I was dealingwith some "setbacks," but that I was hopeful I'd persevere.To be honest, the encouragement I received helped a lot to get me movingforward. I took an honest assessment of myself. I resolved to go outand buy clothes and do something to improve my depressed appearance. Mydirty blonde hair was down to my shoulders now and unkempt. It was muchthicker, fuller than it had been but straggly. I wore ugly, baggythings. I had dark circles under my eyes. When you stop and really consider what you need to do as a woman, yourealize how different things are. Hairstyles seemed infinite. Womenwear. This hand crank juicer is a bear to turn."From there we walked to the barn where I showed her the small milking parlor area. She thought the big closet sized milk house where I washed cans and utensils was almost humorous. She did note that I had plenty of five and ten gallon cans on a rack, clean and ready to use.We looked at the cows and Mom said, "I always told your dad that we needed a Jersey cow for cream and butter, but he said it would be too hard to keep the milk separated. He felt if he was going to ship milk, he would raise cows that gave a lot of milk. That's why we had Holsteins. Of course, when you went off to the Army, he didn't like having to deal with the help to milk. You did all of that, so that was the end of our dairy business. That was all right, as it was about then your dad was beginning to feel his age."I think Mom enjoyed leaning up against the board fence with the cows on the other side checking us out. They would always come up to the fence if you were out.
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