Finally, I had reached a point where I wondered wheremy faith in God had gone, and having prayed to have this need taken fromme for years without an answer, I reached the conclusion I was a lostcause.This led me to having a scary moment where I had a bottle of pills onbed, and I was trying to figure out how many would kill me, since takingtoo many would just make me sick. After more than an hour of looking atthe pills and fighting my natural instinct to stay alive, I gave up, andput the pills back in their bottle, and shook with agony and grief untilI fell asleep.The next day, I went out to a quiet field behind my house, sat down, andlooked up in the sky.Then I started screaming.I shouted as loudly as I could, calling God every name I could think of,using more swear words in this speech than I had used in the sixteenyears previous. I think my idea was to get God so mad at me he'd do whatI couldnt do the night before and end my life.By the time I was finished speaking, I was hoarse. We saw a lot of Disney movies that were popular for kids. In Lewisberg the summers were really hot, and we didn't have air-conditioning. We lived in a two story house just south of downtown.We would go downtown shopping every Saturday. There were no shopping centers in Lewisberg then, and the shopping was a big social occasion for the kids, and for the adults too. And then of course, there was church on Sunday. Everybody went to church - or at least it seemed like it. Church was the second most important social occasion, after the Saturday shopping.There was Baptist and Methodist, and there were some others too, but we didn't know anybody that went to those others. We were regular church goers just like everyone else we knew.My birthday is in February, and what I'm going to tell you about happened the summer that I was 12 years old. I knew about boys; my mom had told me about things. I knew that boys would try to touch girls or pull their dress up. I knew that I shouldn't let boys do.
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