My gown has a frame that gives me the 19th century bustle look. Karen unzips the back and straps the bag to the back of my leg. Karen opens up a case she brought in with her and it has more items straps, boxes, wires, hoses and a bulb pump. Karen straps several items to my legs I realize that none of these things will show because of the frame I am wearing. The last thing she takes from the case is the bulb pump and tells me that the corset will not be closed any more with the screws. However, it will be made tighter it has a rubber bladder that she will now inflate when she starts pumping I feel the inside of the corset push against me which has the same effect as if it were being tightened. I am now breathing in short gasps. Karen laughs and tells me she is almost done; the next thing she does is inflate the butt plug and continues until I start to complain. Karen says I need to have the plug tight so the when my husband activates his remote and the quart and a half of soapy water. Let the water pour. Clean and hot and desensitizing, destroying prints and calluses, burning away bacteria, boiling needles to the surface of my skin. Mindless, hopeless activity. I sit in the shower without forgiven and need and lust and longing. The scars will never vanish. Never fade completely. But remind me of the torture of trust, the fool who gives over. The emptiness that follows desire. All of it written in stitches across the scars and curves of fingerprints from homemade thread and sewn with the needles that were thrown at me. I say you must move on because the only way to live is for yourself. But the mirror doesn’t believe me. It remembers how he said he’d die for me and believes that there is another way. Still, it knows that he read my hands and prints and strategically placed the needles he made. Acupuncture for relationships. He said that it was for me. He cared. But too many of the needles were painful. I ignored the scars they left until they were too deep to heal.
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