Therefore I was trapped in my body andwas afraid to even talk to anyone about it. I thought I was sick andtried to "cure" myself with willpower. Once I took a knife in my handand wished that I could cut "this perversion" out of me and literallykill the part of me that wanted to be a girl. If I had been sure that Icould stop the desire by cutting off a finger, I would undoubtedly havedone so. Looking back on my life now, I wonder how much energy andwillpower I spent trying to look and act "normal" and trying tosuppress a big part of my soul.*** Early adulthood, life struggle, the giftThe inner conflict of rejecting a part of my personality becameroutine. I tried hard to look manly and cool. If someone made jokesabout gays, I was the first to laugh. I even started dating girls. Itwas easy for me to get aroused when I touched their soft, delicate skinand beautiful long hair and felt their bodies react to my touch. Mylife as a "deepfake" became even deeper. But somewhere inside,. I dreamed it up. He would have gone mad if he had known the truth. Well, he finally did go mad, so what was the point of it anyway? And that laudanum or whatever he is taking. I would pour it out of doors if my cousins were not keeping such a secure, strict eye on the medicines dispensing. Out of his hearing, now this cold gray drear December day, we huddle together outside the small house, in our heaviest clothes, and our heavy coats, the snow falling thickly on us, when everything looks like a shadow, and the world appears to be made of nothing but charcoal, as well as we are made of the very same substance as well as the world round us, small little dark bobbin it seems to us now with a very ugly knife edge frozen ice smell to us. He is a ways away, I told him at first, after I saw with horrors the eldritch nightmares we were causing him, making new, deeper inroads to his heart and tearing it apart, but he would leap at me and clasp my hands so tightly, they would have red marks.
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