There was frost. There’s no need for me to say more on that than I said on Friday afternoon. However, I slid deeper and deeper into a very dark place. There seemed nothing I could do, to turn things around. So, it got blacker and blacker.” “It wasn’t that I wanted to turn the clock back, it was that I wanted to be a part of something. There was no overt exclusion, other than the bedroom and anything physical, but I began to feel unwanted.” Jane and Alison listened, with a growing sense of misery, horror and remorse. Each time one made to speak, Ron smiled and held up his hand. They waited. “Remember my darlings, what we now have,” said Ron softly. “It could only have been born out of pain.” “I reached a point, by the end of February, of being very calm and relaxed. The abyss beckoned me like a friend, and I was ready. I was ready to go from one blackness to another. So I took a walk up Greygarth Hill to begin to let go of things. But then an extraordinary thing happened.” “I was sat. Even at my ageI had a full head of hair, even if it was thinning on the crown and grayat the edges. My attire was in good taste. I was educated having a postgraduate degree. My hygiene and health were good. Even so, just as when Iwas younger, few women want anything to do with you at 5'5". It is thatsimple. I don't begrudge them that. I know what I am attracted to. We allhave a right to be attracted to what we are attracted. Sadly, that leftme at best as the "friend". More often women would avoid me or be politeand dash away as fast as possible after I approached them. If I waspaired with someone I was attracted to at dance class they would ask theinstructor for a change. They would say something like with their heelson we were not balanced. If in a bar, they would just ask me to leave. Icould go on, but you get the point. This was a very frustrating position.The position I wanted was "committed significant other". After a fewyears like this, just being in the missionary position.
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