I promised myself I would never say, "I love you" to anyone, because I didn't want to be owned. I didn't want them to feel the guilt I felt every morning after I had sex with someone I didn't love, or wasn't sure of. A couple weekends ago I gave you oral sex. I know it wasn't for long, and I know I didn't do it right, but there is no denying I had your penis in my mouth. I expected to feel used and awful in the morning. It was the first time I had done that. It was something I said I would NEVER do. In the morning I was glad and proud of myself, because I made you happy and I experienced an exciting rush from making you happy. I trusted you; I wanted to say, "I love you". My defense was, to deny it all, protect my heart, and make sure I didn't say those 3 words, to protect myself. After talking to you the other day I thought I pushed you away, and I was glad. A day later I ached for you, hating myself for what I said. The heart you kissed?... it soared when I saw you today. By the. Almost unannounced she boarded a ferry from Folkestone and went hitch-hiking round Europe and Asia. And if that wasn't bad enough, despite having so many friends who'd have joined her if she'd asked, she decided to go all the way by herself. And she was away for very nearly a whole year." Crystal's mentioned her travels but I thought they were spread out over several years." Chrissie's always liked traveling. We visited places like Morocco, Kenya and Jamaica when she was a little girl. And she stayed with us at our friends' homes in France and Holland. But it's one thing to go on holiday for a couple of weeks. It's another to be away for a year in one stretch." No, I didn't know she'd done that," I said as Marianne passed the half-finished joint back to me. "But there's a lot about Crystal's life I don't know about." That's the same for me also, dear," Marianne admitted. "And for Giuseppe as well. Whatever I might have got up to when I was younger is absolutely nothing compared with.
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