We started to live as total strangers in our house, sleeping under same room but talking minimum with each other. Sex was minimal. Sometimes, even months passed without touching each other. Because of job and family pressures and also as my terms with my hubby were not cordial, I never initiated it. It was he who sometimes came to me and we did it, like machines. Sometimes, I reached my orgasms but most of the times, it was a bore affair. Such was the situation that I lost my concentration and my mind wandered off even while we were doing it. I rarely orgasmed with him and for that, I touched myself sometimes when I was alone. Even when I had orgasms, it was like a torture. I gnawed my teeth, stretched my back and squeezed shut my eyes when I had an orgasm. So slowly, I even stopped touching myself. Only sex was that few minutes when he came to me for his satisfaction, and I hated it. Life went on like this for many many years. We celebrated our fourteenth marriage anniversary. I. I walked out, not feeling triumphant, but sad. I got him to notice me, but now I wouldn't get more looks from him. A lot of what if's went through my mind; a relationship, bondage, letting myself be me, to spend nights in someone else's bondage, not my own.I was confusing myself. Angry with him, wanting him to fuck off. Enjoying the voice of command. Hating his assumptions of me and what I want. The boots, his boots. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction. Wanting to be noticed by him. Wanting him to leave me alone. Desiring his full attention to me. I was numb with confusion.I walked out into the sunlight, turned right. I walked towards the center of Fell's Point. I crossed Broadway, into the public square, past the lemonade stand. I stopped and looked at the harbor. I crossed the cobblestone street and walked towards the pier, I stopped to look at the old Homicide building. I felt my phone buzz.“Don't hang up, please.”I closed my eyes.“Just tell me. Was I right? Are you.
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