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I am weakened by this loss. I can’t think clearly. It feels like I’m driving further and further down the wrong path but I’m too weak to turn around.A few more days have passed and Ava’s mood has deteriorated. She’s been cranky for several days now, complaining about pain in her splinted arms and she seems to be in a general low mood, suffering. It pains me so much to see her like this. We’ve tried to sit her or lie her down in different positions but she doesn’t feel any pain relief. I’m at a loss of what to do. Today is the day for Ava’s bed bath. I have removed the bed sheet covering her and she’s lying in front of me, nude, as she had numerous times before. I’m commencing to give Ava her bed-bath, about to wipe her beautifully tanned body with a wet towel, sitting next to her, on the edge of the bed.As my glance briefly strafes her face I’m noticing a deeply unhappy expression on Ava’s face. “Everything ok, darling? Are your arms in pain again? Is there something I can help you. Though I must have done something right yesterday, as karma saw fit to introduce Lauren into my drab existence. Perhaps to rescue me from it? No matter what I did that morning, I couldn’t erase her from my thoughts. Maybe I just won’t try to reconcile Christina’s arguments anymore, I thought. Maybe Lauren and I will run off somewhere exotic. Fiji. The Bahamas. We can live behind the teacup ride at Disneyland. We can take our meals ten thousand feet up on a summit of the Rocky Mountains. But now I was just being silly. I switched off the TV drone, clothed, and walked outside. Everything in sight was covered with a thin coat of water droplets from last night’s rain. The sight of it is always lovely. And the smell of water on asphalt is a favorite also. I took in the trees with gently shimmering dew kissed leaves, slightly yellowed with autumn’s first touch, the cars and trucks shiny and slick, the puddles on the ground reflecting the strikingly blue sky overhead. So blue, in fact, it.
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