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It's just that..." I hesitatedthere, not wanting to sound like a whiner, or hopeless to either him ormyself. "I just can't seem to get my head around the fact that I'llnever lift ship again, or be out there. That I'll have to sit here onEarth and watch all of that from a distance." It's something you'll have to accept." Clarke shook his head slowly,the sorrow, not pity, showing in his eyes. "I'm sorry that's the waythings turned out, but it's the way things are now." So I'll deal with it." My answer didn't sound all that convincing,but he let it go at that and returned to the original subject."That you'll have to do largely on your own, Eric, but I can and willhelp you with that heavy burden of guilt you're carrying around now."Let me tell you something. Digging into that was not at all pleasant,for either one of us. We both stuck it out. * * * *"Well, I have a pretty good pension to live on." I was telling Connieabout the things in the. I hope I dont bore them to tears talking about being trans, but itsimportant. My whole life I KNEW I was really a girl, but after gettingthe shit kicked out of me by my dad, I realized I had to pretend I wasnt.I did everything possible to "man up". and even took steroids to bulk up.The result is I'm five foot-eleven, and seriously muscular. And lookpretty stupid in a dress.I had a breakdown last year, and finally realized I was killing myselftrying to please my old man, who was long gone, and for what? Nothing, asfar as I could see. But by the time I realized it, I figured it was toolate, I was not passable, so what could I do?Fortunately, my shrink happened to know the guys doing this experiment,and soon, I was signing my agreement to partake in this little trial. Iwaited on pins and needles for weeks, and then got the word, and that'swhere this entry started.******Entry 2:Tomorrow is the big day. I'm pretty nervous, so to keep my mind off ofit, I might as well try and explain what I.
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