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Do you think vegans feel the same when mowing the lawn?A fortune teller tells a woman “your husband will meet a violent end”. To which the woman replies “Will I be convicted?”Sometimes getting out of bed just ruins the whole day.Don’t wear headphone while vacuuming. I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.It’s okay if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.How’s your day if it’s good you’ll need wine to celebrate! If it’s bad you’ll need wine to feel better!Never walk a mile in my shoes. You will just end up drunk, lost and looking for your shoes.If a woman says do what you want. Do not do what want, standstill. Do not blink. Don’t even agree. Just play dead.Yes officer, I didn’t see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you!This group is compliments of Alan B.Still more hand-picked lousy humor...Why is a woman like a condom? Because both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.My girlfriend’s dad asked me what I do.. "I'm a girl, but I'm also part boy." She decided not to mention that this was a recent occurrence after months of study and hard work. "Specifically, I am a hermaphrodite." She boldly lifted her turgid shaft and spread her legs. "See, I'm a girl where it counts." Is that why you have those bumps?" Celestia raised a hoof and pointed at a delicate breast. "Ponies have their milk glands in a different place." She giggled again. "Foals suckle, um, down there, up under our hindquarters."Bonnibel felt her penis give a bit of a jerk. "You, um you aren't scared of me, are you?" Heck no Bonnie." She lowered her voice, and Bonnibel saw just the hint of a blush on Celestia's face. "If you were a pony, I'd be really scared because I'm in heat. Stallions would want to do all sorts of naughty things with me if they smelled, my, um, I forget the word, but it's what makes mares smell really nice when they're ready to have a foal." You're emitting pheromones." That's the word! Bonnie, you're sure.
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