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"Like I said, don’t be concerned, I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.”What exactly did that mean, I thought? I wanted to stand up for myself and quiz him on this by I just said meekly, “OK.”“Why don’t you take a shower, there is a towel and robe next to the shower.” Gavin ordered. “You can throw your clothes in the hamper. I am going to just watch a little TV, I am beat. Tomorrow morning you can give me a bath.”I froze. I realized that the shower was in the room. It was off to the side but with the clear doors and walls I would have no privacy at all. I walked over and turned on the water and let it warm up. I gulped and began to get undressed. Gavin was just a few feet away from me and could have a clear view if he wanted. I took off my shirt, pants, shoes and socks then took a deep breath and pulled off my underwear.Gavin suddenly chimed in. “If you are wondering the toilet is behind the cabin, sort of a modern outhouse.”I was trying to keep my back to him but I. . did that ... you said before that there were ... other times. Was this darkness part of that?”I looked past her over her shoulder, tasting my memories of that time. The constant threat of nuclear annihilation was part of the rotten, acrid flavour of my teens and early twenties – but only as a grimy, roiling background for the canvas on which the rest of my life was chaotically splashed.“It didn’t help, but it was so omnipresent that it became part of the background. And then I moved to Australia, the other side of the world where the threat was very distant.”Col looked at me, her voice soft. “Can you tell me why you ... tried again?”My breathing sped up as I looked into my past which was again my future. “I never really fitted in anywhere. I knew I couldn’t be a pilot, but I tried and, of course, I failed. My doubts about my worth in every job I did would get reinforced by something going wrong in my life. I would despair at putting myself in that place of pain yet again and that.
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