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“There’s no package.”His reply came back so quickly it startled her, “Do not lie to me. You have a package, it is a reward and it has been delivered.”“Sorry, but no, it hasn’t,” she typed back.“Go to your front porch and get the package now. DO NOT LIE TO ME. DO IT NOW.”She’d never seen him type in all caps before and the site of it made her blood freeze. She scrambled up and ran back to the front porch, but there was still no package. She typed out that it wasn’t there again, but her finger trembled over the send button. He seemed mad enough already and she was starting to get a bit scared.Her phone buzzed again, “OPEN THE GIFT. I am trying to be kind, Piper, but if my kindness is met with such s contemptuous and cavalier reception, I shall be forced to react unkindly.”She didn’t want to know what that meant. Piper was sweating bullets as she searched around, in the mailbox, down the steps and even in the potted planters, but nothing. Then she spotted a bulky yellow envelope tucked. One Friday, I came home from work and Ellie was sitting on the front steps of my apartment building. I was thrilled to see her. I was stressed out by my first real job, I was a small town boy in the Big City, and I didn't know anyone. I hadn't had any nookie in almost two months and I was suffering from a horrible case of MSB (Massive Sperm Buildup: a painful condition that, left unattended, can cause your balls to petrify and fall off). Ellie told me she wasn't there to make my pecker happy. She was going to be a model! A professional photographer had seen Phil's show and had offered her two hundred dollars to pose nude. That was a lot of money in 1970, and an art model got maybe twenty dollars. Ellie was pretty, but not gorgeous, and no one was ever going to think she was a playmate. But it was true, she insisted. All she had to do was shave her pussy. I may not be the sharpest bulb in the lamp, but it took me only four or five minutes to figure that one out. The photographer had.
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