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It’s warm here, but I feel the chill of his absence. He is quite older than I am, and he is one of the very few I feel truly close. So it is Sunday morning, and I am sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, and trying to wake up...Soon, I know what I'll be doing. It isn't something I might do or will think about doing. It's something that I do every morning he isn’t here, and have to do in the morning.When I awake, the very first cogent, waking thoughts that I have are about him. Through that morning haze of waking up, only those thoughts have any clarity at all. It doesn't matter where I am, or what the day holds. No part of my day can begin until I address that urgent need between my legs and have that pleasure for myself.Before the first cup of coffee is finished, I can feel the effect, and it starts to take hold. The coffee is strong and I drink it black. In front of me on the table is a newspaper. I'm reading it, but the words are no longer of importance, and I don't pay. ”“So the only reason you don’t do things like that all the time is because of Bill?”“Yes. While he’s happy to show me off up to a point — he’s come to accept me being naked while Irina’s around, for example — the rest is a line he wouldn’t want me to cross.”“But you crossed it with me because...”“ ... I was already most of the way to being unfaithful, as I’ve explained before. In retrospect, it’s completely obvious that the final step was so inevitable it might as well have been preordained ... the pool, the boat, cuddling at the rock ... but I needed a little time to grant myself permission to take it.”He fell silent for a while, considering everything she’d revealed. As ever, there’s this yawning gap between what I’m prepared for and what she’s capable of. I felt it with Alejandro and Faith, I felt it during our experiments with dominance and submission, and now I’m feeling another expression of it. So am I more like Bill, or more like her? Am I capable of following her as far as.
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